Forget the bouquets, those petrol-scented bribes suffocated in cellophane. Forget the saccharine cocktails, lurid with artificial cheer. And for the love of all things sacred, forget the joyless ...

This is a day to honour the woman who has absorbed your breathtaking lack of self-awareness, says Douglas Blyde. It demands a drink with conviction Forget the bouquets, those petrol-scented bribes ...